Tag Archives: Journal

Have You Had The Conversation?

I was going to post something on this but ran across this site before I could do so. No matter how old you are, it’s time.

One of the impossible-to-ignore facts of life is that it ends. Despite this, we humans prefer not to talk about it much if ever. Which is fine, I suppose, at least until you or someone you love is suddenly faced with the end without having communicated exactly how you’d like the end of your life to happen. That’s why journalist Ellen Good co-founded The Conversation Project, to get people to communicate their end-of-life wishes long before they’re needed.

It’s not legal advice but it starts the process with you and those close to you about what your wishes are. You will still need a will, a living will and a healthcare proxy but this will help you make sure there’s someone besides your lawyer who knows what you want.

My dad made his wishes known and had all of his paperwork done back in 2007 when they moved back to Long Island. When the end approached it made it easier on me to make the decision to begin hospice care because I didn’t have to guess what his wishes were, they were written out for me.

Thoughts on life (and death)

When you’re young, it’s hard for you to imagine that life actually has a beginning and end. You feel as if you’ve always been alive and the idea that someday you won’t be is inconceivable. But over time, the evidence starts to pile up. Perhaps a beloved pet passes on, maybe a grandparent. If you’re really young, it might not register but if you’re older there might be some understanding. And so the real story of life begins for you.

Yet, you still don’t really get it. Even into your twenties, you “know” that life will end but you somehow can’t really get your hands around it. You act as if it won’t. To be honest, for most of us the end is so far away this feeling is unavoidable. But over the years, it slowly starts to dawn on you that you won’t live forever.

My mom died when I was 14, but even then it didn’t register with me. It still felt like something that happened to others. It seems remarkably dumb, but that’s how I felt for almost 30 years after.

That’s when I had a serious motorcycle accident that frankly should have killed me, but didn’t. All of a sudden, the realization that my life had a definite expiration date was inescapable. To say it left me changed is an understatement. I suffered from panic attacks for a few years afterwards before eventually learning how to deal with them.

But I got over it. And then my dad became ill. He was remarkably healthy for a long time but eventually time, if nothing else, caught up with him. It’s different than my mom. My mom went from initial diagnosis to death in a year or so. Dad, on the other hand, has been slowly declining over the past few years with no real end in sight. Yes, the end is coming, but no one will predict when it happens. He’s at a point where he requires care all day long and there’s no way he can get that at home. You know what that means. With every week, or so it seems, there’s a new issue doctors have to try to deal with while dealing with all the existing issues.

As I write this, I’m sitting in a hotel not far from the hospital and rehab facility he’s been in for months. I’ve been here before, and I’ll be here again in the future. Until the end.

I don’t know when that will be. I hope it’s not too soon, but that’s not something I have any control over. Funny how life is like that.

Veterans Day 2013

My dad in Coronado, CA in 1945
My dad in Coronado, CA in 1945

This Veteran’s Day is especially poignant for me. My dad, a veteran of WWII’s Pacific Theater has not been well lately and we very nearly lost him not too long ago. It was an unwelcome reminder that the generation that fought hard for our freedoms is almost all gone. Even the youngest to serve are in their late 80s and many die each day. Our task to make sure they and everyone who has served our country are not forgotten. It’s the least we can do for them.

Some advice for you

If there’s one thing you can count in life it’s that life is short. Oh, the numbers may say otherwise but believe me, it’s short. You may be tempted to think you’ve got time, that you can catch up later. But you’d be wrong. Our parents, our grandparents, even our friends aren’t going to be here for much longer. So don’t wait, let them know you love them now.

It’s something you’ll only regret if you don’t do it.

Stop the presses: I’ve changed pens!

If there’s one thing I’m particular about, it’s writing instruments. I’ve been using mechanical pencils for as long as I can remember, going through various Pentel models before settling on my most recent choice, the Uni Kuru Toga 0.5mm.  it revolves the lead so that you get a more consistent line as it wears.

As far as pens go, I’ve been somewhat less lucky in finding something I like as much. I went from ball points to roller balls to gel pens. My favorite gel pen I received from a pretty lady advertising something in Shinjuku station in Tokyo. Unfortunately, it had no English markings on it and I could never find a replacement. I settled on the Pilot G-2 0.7mm black as a reasonable replacement. But gel pens can smudge as they take a bit of time to dry and I found the G-2 to occasionally skip, although not badly. I was open to suggestions.

Then I stumbled across The Best Pen on The Wirecutter, a gadget review blog. They gathered a bunch of pen geeks and asked them to review a bunch of pens, in particular as a competitor/replacement for the G-2. Their answer: The Uni Jetstream 0.7mm. As they say:

The uni-ball Jetstream is a fantastic, affordable pen. It has incredibly smooth ink, performs reliably, lasts well and dries on the page quickly. It’s equally suited to the office or classroom, for the left-handed or right. We suggest grabbing a pack of the 0.7 mm ones, as they’re suited to most handwriting, and then sizing up or down if you want something bolder or more fine. But the pen reviewers all agree: this is a fantastic pen for just about anybody.

The Jetstream is actually a ballpoint, rather than a gel. But unlike other ballpoints you don’t give up smoothness of line or ink density. Compared to the G-2, the line is somewhat thinner so if line thickness is an issue try the 1.0mm. I primarily use a pen for two things, writing checks and journaling. You shouldn’t use a gel pen on checks to begin with so I never used the G-2 for that. My journaling, on the other hand, has been mostly with either the G-2 or a fountain pen. The fountain pen is fun but a pain to maintain. Oddly enough, when I used a Moleskine the fountain pen soaked through the paper – which was surprising given its history. I now use a Mnemosyne notebook which has much better paper and a spiral binding which allows it to lie flat when you’re writing. I’m going to stop using the fountain pen in that in lieu of the Jetstream. It seems ideal for that sort of thing.

If you’re a pen geek, let me know what you use and why.

Buyer’s Remorse

This is another one of my (very) infrequent personal entries that you should probably just skip. 

In case you haven’t noticed, I’m sort of a photographer. I have an interesting collection of film cameras in addition to my dSLR and phone. Most of them are medium format but I also have a couple of 35mm cameras as well. 

A couple of weeks ago I was using my 2×3 Speed Graphic as a field camera, taking advantage of its tilt and shift capabilities to play around with depth of field and perspective. The Speed Graphic is a press camera by design so the tilt and shift is limited in nature. As I was doing this it occurred to me that I’d be better off with a real view camera that allowed all of these movements and more. I was able to find a Toyo-View 45D in very good shape for around $55 (plus shipping) on eBay and also picked up a Polaroid 545i instant film back for $20. I now have almost everything I need to at least get started in large format photography.

Notice I said “almost”. View cameras, like all cameras, require lenses to actually be useful. The Toyo did not come with one, of course. Lenses for large format are expensive, to say the list. Many more times more expensive than the camera. More expensive than I care to deal with. And let’s not even think about the costs associated with film developing (non-Polaroid) and scanning large negative/transparencies.

So now I have a camera that I can’t use that requires lenses I can’t really afford. I’m very close to selling the lot back on eBay or Craigslist. I wish I had taken a deep breath and considered the reality of what I was getting into. It’s not the first time, but at least I haven’t gone off the deep end, yet. 

You’d think I would have outgrown this by now.